Pretty boys, some cannon fodder, a snarky old dude, and Boy Genius over here. Gotta go find the Stygian Witches and ask them what to do before the kraken gets here at eclipse o'clock-ĭRACO: You want to kill Hades, the god of death? Awesome. PERSEUS: GUARDS! GUARDS!! I'M READY TO GO NOW!!ĭRACO: So. When you were a kid, sometimes, in the middle of the night, I'd just pull up my driftwood rocking chair into a dark corner and watch you sleep. I was standing right there on the beach watching, because whenever ago Poseidon tried to seduce me but I said no but apparently he didn't feel like stealing someone else's legend or turning into a seagull to tap that because he just cursed me with immortality instead, and I go around telling people it sucks watching everyone get old and die just to make them feel better, but actually it's pretty sweet-the last twenty, maybe thirty years, I've just followed you around everywhere you went and watched over you, waiting for you to grow up and become a hero. IO: -but I guess you were self-cleaning because you were all baby-fresh when Spyros found you. IO: SO ANYWAY your not-dad, I mean Angry King Not-Dad not the Nice Fisherman Not-Dad who actually raised you, he threw your pregnant mom into a box (it was actually a pretty nice box) and called Zeus out so Zeus fried him with a lightning bolt and that electrified Angry King Not-Dad with 'roid rage or something and he hurled the big fancy box into the sea and I guess she birthed you in there before she died and you two washed up and you ate your own placenta to survive, I'm not entirely sure how that worked. IO: You really want to be conceived in a golden shower? PERSEUS: Wait, I thought the story was about Danaë and a shower of gold, and she was a king's daughter, not a king's wife.? Hades and decided they'd create some mortals and run their batteries off the people's love but Hades got stuck with the people's fear, but he's stinking hideous so that worked out pretty well, and then there was this flashback where King Acrisius was trying to fight Zeus with a big army, because that totally works with all-knowing, all-powerful deities, so then Zeus stole King Arthur's back story and dressed up like Acrisius and sexed up Danaë and then he turned into an eagle and flew away. #Hades god fucking dammit movie#IO: So back in the day at the beginning of the movie we had this voiceover about how there were Titans but then their kids Zeus, Poseidon and Hades rebelled and Hades created a Scandinavian monster out of his hellflesh to defeat them but then Zeus and Poseidon booted him down to. HADES : By the way, there's a new demigod running around in Argos. PRINCESS ANDROMEDA: MOOOOOOOM, YOU ARE EMBARRASSING MEEEEEE QUEEN ATIA: My daughter's prettier than nereids! My daughter's prettier than goddesses! Yeah, that's right! My daughter's so pretty, Thetis isn't even IN this movie! HADES: Can I torment them? Can I? Can I can I can I? Maybe you shouldn't have made them STUPID. Take a stand against WHAT? HOW? We are GODS! You give them the world, and what do they do? Complain all the time and lead armies against you and knock your statues down. ZEUS: You know, you try to raise your mortals right. SPYROS: Oh, come on, we're not the ones actually tearing down the statue of Zeus. MARMARA: Don't say things like that! You don't know! Hades could show up with a flock of hellbats and drown the whole family! IN 3-D! SPYROS: Damn straight! Someone oughtta take a stand! Particularly against the gods who tend to show up and kill everyone! SOME OTHER ARGOSIAN: LET'S COMPLAIN SOME MORE! SOME ARGOSIAN: I hate those all-knowing, all-powerful gods who smite us when we complain! SPYROS: I love you, Not-Son, and I will love you for all five minutes of the rest of my life.īABY PERSEUS: Aw, Not-Dad, you're the best. Please quote or link back, do not repost. Once Upon a Time, On an Ancient Greek Fishing Boat, IN 3-DīABY PERSEUS: Not-Dad, all the other fisherkids make fun of me because I just washed up in a box with my dead mom and you're not my real dad. here's a palate cleanser before Eclipse, I guess. PREVIOUSLY ON MOVIES IN FIFTEEN MINUTES, FOR REASONS THAT WILL LATER BE APPARENT: Troy! King Arthur! 300! A couple of Twilight things! So.
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